Handle every stressful situation like a dog:
If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.
Passed on by a friend:
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t smoke or drink,
(7) don’t want to wear your clothes,
(8) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
I love this!
Boomer can stretch out, take as much room as I do, and passes gas. HE is not a welcome bedwarmer.
Thanks for my morning laugh!
Jasper used to fart, sniff the air around him with that big ol’ bloodhound nose of his, then get up, cross the room and lie down where it was fresher.
And Jack, little as he was, could still stretch out across our queen-size bed — tongue and tail included, of course!
OMG! If this weren’t so true it wouldn’t be so funny! My two labs take up most of my king sized bed, and all plates are fair game! you hit the nail on the head with this one!!!
Bonnie, the first time Meg ever came to our house for a meal, we sat at the dining room table, and our black lab, Duc, went to sit on the air conditioning vent closest to Meg’s chair. When the A/C came on, it blew loose hair up into the air, and a strand or two of it landed in her plate. She just politely edged it off to the side and pretended it didn’t happen.
For a while, DH and I shared our bed with our chocolate lab, our German shepherd mix, and our shepherd/Jack Russell mix. It was NOT fun sleeping. When Bob worked out of town for a week, I moved the bigger two into their kennels at night. Jack and I were much happier that way!
When it was Bob, Jack and me, Jack would always put his back against me, then push against Bob with all four legs. If Bob left bed in the night to go to the bathroom, when he came back, Jack was on his pillow, under his cover, with just one lip pulled back in a soundless snarl.I’d have to poke Jack to get him to let Bob back into bed again. He never did it to me, though. He knew better.
Those furry children . . . Never had a dog in bed. But the cat did like to curl up on my chest about two inches from my mouth–uh, is it any wonder that I’m allergic?
LOL. When Beau slept in our room, every morning I’d wake up with the creepy feeling that someone was watching me, and I’d find his nose about 1/2″ from mine. He didn’t bark or paw me or anything — just stared until he woke me up. And I couldn’t pretend with him, either. He knew if my eyes flickered the slightest bit or my breathing shifted that I was awake. THEN he demanded to go out.